Why Kelis?

I’m not entirely sure when my obsession admiration for Kelis began ; maybe it was over hearing my sister letting all her emotions out with ‘Caught out there‘ blaring from her teenage bedroom, maybe it was the collab with André 3000 with the belter ‘Millionaire‘ or maybe it was even my drunken, vodka induced thrashing to her ‘Flesh tone’ album in my mid twenties, or maybe it was even that fucking ‘Milkshake‘ nonsense.

 

At any rate, whatever was there was pretty much cemented when I had the chance to ‘meet’ her while touring her latest album, ‘Food‘.

The gig finished and I was already away on it when she announced that she will be ‘hanging’ around after to sign shit and stuff. I didn’t hear this and was ready to call it a night when my flatmate relayed this vital plot point to me.

It’s safe to say that I completely lost my shit and all sense of ‘cool’ that I thought I had.

I ditched my flatmate at the drop of a hat ‘I just want me in the picture’ I believe were the exact words I said to him as I ran for my place in the queue.

(A little context, we were literally fresh off the boat from a rather full on weekend in Amsterdam and probably shouldn’t have been around people, but hey ho!)

My turn finally came and I stepped forward and claimed my moment with destiny.

Possibly the highlight of my life.

She was very pleasant and slightly taken aback my unhinged awkward self, we spoke of the gig, she signed a poster a lady in the queue gave me (probably hearing my fan-boy rants or she just couldn’t be bothered waiting any more) i told her what my favourite song of hers was (FYI ‘Song for the baby’ – give it a listen) and I was incredibly patronising to her as I gushed over the fact she was headed to Norway the next day. ‘Have fun in Norway Kelis’ was a sentence I never expected to say in my life ever, but that was my leaving comment to her as I left her signing iPhone cases for people way cooler than myself.  I took myself home and built X-men Lego in bed and tried to get on with my life.

Worth it tbh

After my intimate evening with Kelis, I couldn’t shut up about it and told everyone any anyone who would listen and would bring up ‘that time I met Kelis’ at the drop of a hat.

So you can imagine my surprise and delight, when nearly a year later the chick only goes and releases a COOKBOOK.

Kelis it seems is something of a whiz in the kitchen.

What a tome of knowledge.

 

‘My life on a plate‘ sees Kelis put her own unique spin (she’s so good at that) on her favourite dishes around the world. I bet for someone who can cook it’s an absolute delight. I however, cannot cook. So, as far as I was concerned this purchase was destined to sit in my ever crowding bookshelf only to be brought out when I was pissed and reminiscing about that time I met Kelis (see what I mean).

But the cookbook sat there , on my couch and never made it to the bookshelf of lost souls. It just sat there. Judging me. Judging me as I wasted valuable potential cooking time hungover af re-watching the same movies and TV shows on Netflix. I’d be sitting there watching Parks and Recreation for the hundredth time and she’d be looking at me. The guilt was unbearable and one particularly rainy Sunday afternoon (I live in Glasgow – take your pic of weekends) I picked up and the pages fall open on on of her many recipes and went for it.The recipe in question (more on that later) seemed relatively straight forward and I though I’d try and seduce my flatmate with my undiscovered culinary skills. Two birds, one stone.The meal went perfectly well but the seduction could have gone better and remains a work in progress…

Cue Monday morning and my shite office chat is on fleek. I stupidly proclaim that I will COOK EVERY RECIPE in Kelis’ cookbook and sure ‘why not blog about it?

So here we are! Stay tuned for recaps on my various attempts to cook my way through Kelis and into debt (Kelis has very expensive tastes when it comes to ingredients). I feel the need to have a disclaimer for some reason? I won’t actually divulge her secrets (buy the book!) and my posts will probably revolve around my scattered train of thought as I julienne an orange peel – I know what that is now,thank you K!

So, come on this journey with Kelis and I. It’s basically the plot to ‘Julia and Julia‘ but me and Kelis and not Amy Adams and Meryl Streep.Soz.

Ross.

I’m also a total fucking gimp